Samuel and I have a ritual of reading the front page of our daily newspaper as we walk by the rack outside a local eaterie. This morning, Samuel was ahead of me and he read the front page alone. It had a large image of a local candle light vigil here in Bakersfield for the people who died last Friday in Newtown, Connecticut.
We sat together later, eating our breakfast, and Samuel softly asked, “Mommy, do you know what happened on December 14?”
I hesitated before I responded. I knew he might have heard and I had wondered if it would increase his every day anxiety which is a part of his autism. I am very aware of all the headlines and copy screaming "Shooter had autism!" I've been concerned that would upset Samuel into silence.
“Ummmm…. Do you mean…” I stuttered.
“The shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School,” he said.
I nodded and said, “Yes, I know it happened. What do you know about it?”
“I saw videos on YouTube. One teacher hid her class in a bathroom.”
We discussed whether or not this was a good idea and went onto our next topic without skipping a beat.
I realized I need to touch on this some more, a topic he has raised more than his recent experience with bullying that I can’t even talk about yet without stammering.
He has been watching this video and it touched him enough to tell me about it in his unique way.
I watched the video and noted the teacher talking about acting as a parent, wanting the children to hear "I love you very much," one more time if they were going to die.
This is what I say to my children as they leave every morning with the same intent.
I never assume I will see my children again.
On any day, not just on these days after our latest national shooting disaster.
I know the photo on the cover of the Bakersfield Californian and our daily ritual fueled the beginnings of this conversation. I will be intrigued to find out over the next several days where our conversation will go from here.
I know we will take it slowly and individually, with him signalling me which way to go in his own unique, Samuel-esque way.
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