I was completely exhausted both physically and mentally. After having traveled (almost one and a half hour everyday) to Moodabidri continuously for the last 10days (a place close to Mangalore) to conduct training to kids of Rotary school, I felt I couldn’t remain sane anymore. Mentally, I wondered how was I even eligible to take personality development training to those kids, when I did not know what the hell is happening in my own life. These were the thoughts running in my head as I tried to catch some sleep. To add onto the already existing miseries my aunt woke me up leaving me utterly distressed or probably infuriated because I had just slept some minutes ago or so I had assumed. Despite being so worn out, I wondered why was it that I couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t very noisy around because hospitals are always meant to be silent, aren’t they?
On waking up, I recollected that I was lying down on the cold hospital floor from almost three hours now; when I had actually planned to sleep only for 15 minutes. A chord of guilt struck within me since I knew Dad wouldn’t have been able to sleep even that night just like the last 6 months because someone had to be beside Mom. Didn’t they? It was past 3.00 AM on May 11th 2004 and I got up wiping my drowsy eyes. As I looked around I saw my brother (12 year old then) fast asleep. Smiling to myself, I realized that Dad wasn’t in the room. Strangely, it did not worry because Dad kept visiting the canteen to have some tea so that he could stay awake.
Glancing through the room, I looked at my Mom and was relieved to see her sleeping. Being in pain for some months now, I couldn't remember the last time I saw her sleep so peacefully. Strangely, she didn't need her oxygen mask any more. Phew! I was relieved and happy. Finally things would come back to the normal self again. As I pulled a chair to sit next to her, my maternal uncles and Grandmother came in. I was astounded to find them because they were meant to be in native and it would easily take 2 hours for them to reach Mangalore. The sleep deprived person that I was, neither had I bothered to ask them anything nor did they talk. I found them extremely upset though.I believe that there are instances when deep within you feel uneasy and your voice keeps telling you the truth. But you choose to not hear it. This was one such day. The silence around was bothering me but it worried me only when I noticed people crying. What a dumb 18 year old I was to not follow the clue probably all gave me. Nobody disturbed me thinking I was upset. And there I was making a fool out of myself thinking everything was going to be perfect again. The realization seeped in. People came in and went. The hospital staff came and went by. But I did not lift my head and look at anyone. I was blank! Finally, I gathered the courage to look at my Mom. There she was lying down like she would wake up the next minute I call her and yell at me for disturbing her. As I touched her feet, I wondered aren’t people who are no more supposed to be cold, but My Mom was still warm. Everything was just the way we wanted it to be. I had assumed she wouldn’t lose her fight with Cancer this time because she had won a similar battle with it 8 years before this. Wasn’t Cancer supposed to be weak if she had beaten it earlier? As such insensitive thoughts ran through my head, I knew I have noticed one more thing and it was that she wasn’t breathing anymore. AND THE TIME STOOD STILL!!!I walked out of the room towards the hospital corridor and stood before a big window and looked out. Lying before me was a huge vacant ground and the sky which looked like it would break into dawn. I wondered if the nature was mocking at me. It was ironical because I too stood empty and could break down anytime. Strangely, I did not. Well! I did not know I was so strong enough. I sat down on a bench very close to the balcony. The visitors had increased but I couldn’t register anything. Then I noticed that my brother was next to me with his half drowsy eyes. I couldn’t bear to see him or anyone. I couldn’t look into anyone’s eyes and keep up this strong self. Strangely enough, something inside me was breaking; the sound within me was deafening me. The results were mere tears. I got up to walk towards the window when my brother asked me the reason to be upset since we are going home now. Not knowing how to react to that innocent statement, I just gave him a blank stare. The next thing I saw was he running towards the room where My Mom slept peacefully. Within minutes, I saw a mirror image of mine on the opposite bench with the same expression or the blankness I had. The only difference was that it was my brother. We did not have anything to talk and we did not dare to maintain any eye contact. Silence prevailed accompanied with little tears. Once back home, I saw many familiar faces all of them who had come to pay their condolences. But my friends were the only relief. I guess one never gets to know the goodwill they have created unless they are no more. It was the same with my Mom. Many of her patients had come for the last rites. I somehow till date fail to understand how someone who has a name is suddenly referred to as a mere “BODY” minutes after they stop breathing. I was amazed at the pace at which people had started referring her with that term. It annoyed me. There were relatives who threw tantrums and others who came truly wanting to pay condolences. But to me, it did not matter. I had very well learnt as to who actually mattered and who are just not worth your time. I was my normal self with everyone. It is strange how mechanical your actions can be. I just did what everyone around asked me to do. I badly wanted to be left alone, but that is how it was anyways going to be isn’t it? After the huge battle, Cancer had finally managed to convince Mom to give up the struggle. She knew all the results the chemo sessions and radiation would have on her physically and mentally because she was a Doctor herself. Along with herself she had prepared us too, but certainly not for anything as drastic as this. I remember one evening as she lay on her bed, she had told me that one will mourn over a loved one’s death only for may be a month or two or an entire year, but not longer. I had argued enough opposing it but she did not budge. She had told me that life would have to go on. Unlike then, today I know that she had meant every word she spoken. How much ever you want, there is nothing you can do to change the already occurred event. I too felt the anger, the helplessness, the guilt and all of it. But, we all had to move on gathering the bits and pieces of our life which had been shattered all over by then. This incident did take a toll on all the three of us but I am glad that we never allowed that incident to take control of our lives. I guess this is the first time I am ever speaking about anything so personal in such a forum. May be, that is how it is because after one point we have to accept it. Anyways you don’t have a choice, Do you? That fatal day of May 11 2004, has changed all the three of us immensely. The void it has created will never ever be filled and everything will always remain incomplete. I have figured out after all these years that when we lose a loved one; they take away a part of our soul along with them. It shall be 8 years for tomorrow that she gave up on us, gave up her struggle, gave up her willing to survive and gave up all her pending dreams. She was just 44. No matter how old I get; how many gray hairs I have or how many teeth gets knocked out she is going to always remain young in my mind. She will be forever remembered,HPK!!!
