Diaries Magazine

Red Flags

Posted on the 24 April 2011 by Lauralevites


I did a comedy show last night where I was given a topic, the topic was red flags.   The first thing that came to mind was last week I was about to give my friend Josh a ride in my car, he opened the door took one look at my seat, which had 5 new porn dvds on it and said this, “Red head with porn on the seat, major red flag!”

I wasn’t offended, he was right.  I guess I’m so used to thinking about all the red flags I have ignored in relationships, or too busy looking for the red flags in my current ones I never thought that anyone would be looking at me and taking an inventory of my red flags.

What is a red flag? A red flag is a warning of a sign of danger or a problem.

Yes, I have them.  Thank god they are invisible, or I do a great job of painting them white so no one can see them.  Being that I’m so good at seeing them in other people, (then ignoring them), which I hope the outside world is kind enough to do to me, I thought it only fair to compile a list of my top 10 red flags.

I pledge allegiance to my flags…….

1. I’m a red-head, a natural red-head.  Apparently this means something, I’m not  sure what?  For me its nice to know I can blame my bad temper and feistiness on the color of my hair. Judas, was a red-head.

2. I’m a comedian. You don’t do this for a living, and come from love and support.

3. My parents are divorced.  They had the heavyweight championship of divorces.  I’ve never been around a healthy relationship ever.

4. My dad died when I was 16.  He was also an asshole. Can we say Daddy issues, yes?  I’m a cliché.

5. I’m a Virgo.  That means I’m controlling. I’m so controlling I’m putting this list up so no one even has a chance to discover my red flags organically, I’m just going to tell you what they are.  So there!

6.I have  two pit bulls. I have two pit bulls that don’t get along.

7. I’m depressed, and have a whole other list of psychiatric ailments.  Don’t worry I take medication, think that’s two flags in 1.

8. I smoke cigarettes. You don’t look at a person that smokes and say oh there’s a person that’s happy with their life.

9. Take one look inside my purse, it’s a mess. I’m one of those woman who have to put their purse on the counter to find her money even though I have a wallet I don’t use. I’m convinced that’s what the inside of my head looks like, the bottom of my purse.

10. I’m single and I’m attractive.  Ah ha, so why is she single?

Yes, I’m single, and aware that I probably should be painting a great made up picture of myself to the outside world ( I hear my mother screaming in my ear right now, be quiet mom I’m being honest), in hopes of attracting that perfect flag free man.

I just hope when I meet him, he’s blind.

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