The grief I currently carry around with me has such a familiar tenor, such a traditional rhythm, such a “have I heard this song played before?” pace to it.
I remember how I responded to grief when Marlena died. For
those of you who don’t
know her name, she was my first baby and was stillborn
nearly twenty three years ago.
I started going to a therapist about two weeks after her funeral and I was given a thirty day leave from work so that was the time I allotted to feel better.
Thirty days to grieve an entire life – one that was never lived, all those losses vacuumed from my life experience – just like that. I’ll be done, I thought, ready to move along, I thought, 30 days is plenty of time to grieve! Wow, was I naïve.
Now I feel like a jerk for continuing to grieve the part of my face that is scarred from my melanoma surgery. It is a similar song, different tune.
This time I am grieving the face I have known for fifty
years. I am grieving the facial sensations which are now dead and I am not sure
if they will return. I am grieving my status as “no cancer for me!” Not a
single soul warned me what this would be like.
I do know I have been restricting myself from talking about it much. I am convinced I am boring my friends who have stopped noticing (or remarking) about the band-aid or scarf or both I am constantly wearing to cover my wound.
I can’t blame them.
I am bored of the topic, too, probably even more than others are bored of it!
Even so, I am going to continue to give myself space to write about it, to bring it up, to share my thoughts with others for at least another week and probably longer.
One day at a time, as one of the twelve steps advises. Each day I check and clean my wound and think… “Yes, today it is a little bit better! You can do this!” so I will be as I continue to grieve and continue to have compassion toward myself just like I would have compassion for anyone else experiencing this situation.
It is funny – not ha-ha funny but interesting funny – when I
bring up this subject of how I am feeling both emotionally and physically from
melanoma, I get tired. Cancer is
tiring.
It appears I have beaten this one.
This is good.
I am feeling better.
This is good.
Most people continue to support me without me asking them to at all.
This is good.
I am committed to improving, day in and day out.
This. Is. Good!
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© 2012 by Julie Jordan Scott
This is my seventeenth post (of 31!) for the October Ultimate Blog Challenge.
Watch here for challenge posts which will include Writing Prompts, Writing
Tips and General Life Tips and Essays.
Julie Jordan Scott has been a Life & Creativity Coach, Writer, Facilitator and Teleclass Leader since 1999. She is also an award winning Actor, Director, Artist and Mother Extraordinaire. She was twice the StoryTelling Slam champion in Bakersfield. She leads Writing Camp with JJS & this Summer will be traveling throughout the US to bring this unique, fun filled creative experience to the people wherever she finds the passion & the interest.
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