Shit (Weird) Accountants Say

You would think that being well-versed in business most professionals would be, um, professional? But I think the pressure of being kept on your toes, acting fake, having the best witty responses, it all wears down the brain process of these accountants and they blurt out crazy nonsense. Here are two wonderful examples:
Me: Eating a Five Guys' burger.
Partner: That looks really greasy! (small talk)
Me: MMMMmmmMMMM I love grease, it's delicious! (witty witty)
Partner: That's great, it will make you well lubed.
Me: crickets chirp
What the hell.
This next one happened on Thursday last week....
Me and Jackie, a fellow staff, are being sweet and decorating the cubicle of another coworker for her birthday. We are using a hand pump to blow up the 30 balloons we litter her desk with.
Partner walks by: This looks nice! (small talk)
Me: Thanks, I think Mary will like it. (continues pumping)
Partner: I wish you girls were doing that with your mouths.
Me: complete silence - I stare at him till he walks away.
In that last example, I was trying to figure out why I was thinking his response was disgusting- is it just my perverted mind misinterpreting what he said? NO, he must have had the biggest brain fart of the century or he's a dirty old perv hitting on girls half his age. EW GROSS!
How can I petition for a class on Obvious Sexual Innuendos and How to Avoid Them 101?
And THIS is why I use copious amounts of hand sanitizer in my office.