We Heart It
January
January was a month of realizations. Quite fitting, I suppose, given it’s the first month of the new year.
Things I Realized:
* I don’t want to get my MFA in writing after all,
* I want a break from school following graduation,
* I miss God incredibly, and would like nothing more than to whisk away to some cabin in the mountains or condo on the beach and just spend some time getting to know Him again.
February
I don’t really know what I’m looking for in February. I had a bit of a gloomy weekend that started either Thursday or Friday and still hasn’t entirely let up. I don’t really know what the problem is. I think it has something to do with not knowing my place in my own life. I feel sort of stationary and hung out to dry, only it keeps raining and I’m left feeling damp, cold, and miserable. I think part of it has to do with senioritis from school, but there’s another part of it that has nothing to do with college. Like I said, I feel like I don’t know my place in my own life, and I feel like this is in large part due to the distance that’s grown between me and God inside myself. I’ve let myself grow away from God, and I’m really starting to understand what that separation feels like. Yesterday, I broke into my journal to write because I was feeling emotionally wrung. I’ve realized that I do that when there’s something weighing on me that I need to get out of my system, and the only thing I could think as I wrote was, “I need Him, I miss Him, I love Him, I need Him…”
I didn’t know what to do with myself. I felt incredibly desperate, and writing didn’t ease the desperation at all. I felt no lift like I usually do, because I couldn’t get past the needing and missing and wanting. I had to watch a funny Harry Potter video just to distract myself, but after that was done I just felt sad again. The good part of my day was when Em came to have lunch with me, but after she left my workplace that old feeling came back.
For now, I’m just going to chalk it up to the unwinding aggravation of school and realizing how much I’ve slipped away from Jesus. Hopefully, February will be a better month. After all, when this month is over it’s all downhill from then. Graduation will be only two months away and I’ll be even closer to the surface of this four-year deep ocean. Maybe I’ll feel better if I make a point to write/pray to God every day.
How was January for you? Are you looking for anything special or different to happen in February?
