Encompassed and overwhelmed by a sense of terror and impending despair. I don’t know how else to say this:
I cannot sleep. I am not sleeping.
And while resting, motionless, I dream about my sweet little dog snapping viciously at my face. I dream that my teeth fall out. I dream that I leave my car lights on. I dream that I am discovered as a fraud and a failure.
I called out of work yesterday, making up an excuse for illness when in actuality I am simply too exhausted to be honest. I close my eyes at night and sleep for a few blissful hours, and then wake to the noise in my brain, my eyes weighted, my muscles are quieted and weak, all I desire is sleep. I would cry but I have no energy for it. All I desire is sleep. Please don’t wake me.
I cannot go on in winter. I need sunlight like a fish needs water. I simply cannot go on. My body aches.
I am spending money like I do when I’ve been in crisis. I didn’t stick to my budget this week and I don’t seem to care. I bought without a conscience this week. Not much, but enough for me to notice what I’m doing.
While driving I await the punch of metal on metal and a skid and screech and shock. I imagine my body flying through the air, fast enough for my soul to shake violently free and waft in the chill of late winter air, mixing with half-eaten snowflakes.
Sometimes I dream about being attacked and sometimes, I welcome the assault. Anything to end this.
