Self Expression Magazine

Something is Wrong.

Posted on the 12 March 2013 by Gray Eyed Athena @grayeyedowl

Encompassed and overwhelmed by a sense of terror and impending despair.  I don’t know how else to say this:

I cannot sleep.  I am not sleeping.

And while resting, motionless, I dream about my sweet little dog snapping viciously at my face.  I dream that my teeth fall out.  I dream that I leave my car lights on.  I dream that I am discovered as a fraud and a failure.

I called out of work yesterday, making up an excuse for illness when in actuality I am simply too exhausted to be honest.  I close my eyes at night and sleep for a few blissful hours, and then wake to the noise in my brain, my eyes weighted, my muscles are quieted and weak, all I desire is sleep.  I would cry but I have no energy for it.  All I desire is sleep.  Please don’t wake me.

I cannot go on in winter.  I need sunlight like a fish needs water.  I simply cannot go on.  My body aches.

I am spending money like I do when I’ve been in crisis.  I didn’t stick to my budget this week and I don’t seem to care.  I bought without a conscience this week.  Not much, but enough for me to notice what I’m doing.

While driving I await the punch of metal on metal and a skid and screech and shock.  I imagine my body flying through the air, fast enough for my soul to shake violently free and waft in the chill of late winter air, mixing with half-eaten snowflakes.

Sometimes I dream about being attacked and sometimes, I welcome the assault.  Anything to end this.

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