In a dozey daze, once again. I am embarrassed to say this, because it happens so much more frequently than I am comfortable with, but I had to leave work early again yesterday for my exhaustion. I couldn’t keep my eyes open and I certainly couldn’t focus on one thing for longer than a split second. Thoughts and intentions dribbled out of my head like water through a sieve, and my eyes kept trying to close. I felt, and feel, shell-shocked. My hearing has diminished, probably due in large part to the fluid from my cold in my head, and my eyes are swimming with large, pale fish jumping in pools.
I drove home yesterday, the spring sunlight was blinding, and curled up in bed, staring at the Remeron tablet in my hand without focusing on it. At once both hating my exhaustion and hating the pills, but simply seeking sleep. I took the Remeron and slept for 5 hours, woke up to eat dinner with Joseph and then crashed back into bed, sleeping fitfully until this morning when I rallied for work. But the drug is still in my system. I am dazed and empty and barely capable of typing this entry. I am trying to get this poison out, but I am overwhelmed. I made the mistake of weighing in this morning, at 1.5 pounds more than yesterday’s weight and I would be discouraged if I could express any sort of emotion.
I hate this.
