My husband makes a habit out of seeing his friends two to three times a week, usually meeting in the park or at one of their places. He even made some adjustments to our small shed so that a few people can sit in there when it’s cold out. They bring beer, smokes, and an occasional Frisbee or ping pong set. God knows what goes on when these friends (the group varies in its composition sometimes) come together and hang out, and frankly, I don’t really want to know (but I do – no, I don’t).
It bothers me, though, that most of the times he’s out, he’ll be back fairly late (or early, depending on your way of looking at it). Sometimes he’ll only be back at 3 am. I guess it wouldn’t bother me so much if he didn’t do it this often, if he did it once a month or something. The excessive drinking (which he’ll deny) also bothers me, combined with the smoking, and I thoroughly despise the aftermath of only waking up when it’s far past midday.
I’ve tried figuring out for myself what exactly it is of this behavior that I simply can’t seem to stomach. Recently I have come to the conclusion that it appears like some lack of ambition on his part. Well, what is wrong with a lack of ambition? It’s this: we have been in a relationship for over ten years. What usually happens after a year (I say ‘usually’, but this is honestly the only relationship experience that I’ve had in my entire life, but I can imagine it being like this) is that you start telling each other of your dreams, of what you’d imagine your future to look like. You do this to see if you’re likely to make it in the long run. An example of this is the famous ‘kids talk’; do you see children in your future, and if yes, how many? If one of the partners really wants children and the other one is vehemently against procreating, then this might not exactly be a match made in heaven. This is also where you start negotiating and compromising.
When my husband and I had this talk over nine years ago, we seemed quite compatible. Of course, you have to keep negotiating and compromising during the course of your relationship, but just how much are you willing to change your future plans and dreams for the person you love? Just how much of myself am I willing to give up?
Now, first of all, he had to give up a lot at the start of our relationship, because of my family situation. However, it wasn’t really like I could help any of that, and I had to give up a lot, too, at the time. For the last three years he’s been trying to make his own dreams come true regarding his future career, but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be. I can only imagine what it must feel like potentially having to live ‘plan B’. I guess that’s why he is clinging to every little possibility that could bring him back to ‘plan A’ while limiting himself immensely in the meantime. All this time our lives (not only his, but mine as well) are running stationary. We’re not moving forward, and I hate it.
So, how much do I have to compromise on this? How much time am I willing to give him? See, I don’t want to push him too much, for fear he might do something he doesn’t really want, regret it, and blame me for it later on. However, I don’t want to idly stand by either. I have my own life to worry about as well; my own dreams and hopes for the future.
I’m not one to give up easily, and we both agree that all relationships are work and this one we share is worth working hard for. I lately wonder, though, if I’m the only one putting in the hours.
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