This is a real story:
WHS Pimp was taking a poop. It was at home, on Monday…(which isn’t really important, but I’m all about the “details”)…and anyway, he looked around for some reading material (like you do), finding only a box of Tampons.
…So, he read it.
…And he kept reading it.
…And he read it again.
…And then, he came in today, after fuming over it for two days, walked into my office from outta nowhere, and said:
WHS Pimp: “…First of all: I’ve been buying and looking at Tampon boxes all my life. Right…?”
Me: “Sure.”
WHS Pimp: “…I mean: I’ve grown up with two sisters, a mom, there’s The Ex…it’s not like I don’t get the idea of them.”
Me: “Okay.”
WHS Pimp: “…But what I’m saying is: These Tampon people are fucked up.”
Me: “Sure.”
WHS Pimp: “You wanna know why?”
Me: “I wish you would tell me.”
WHS Pimp: “First of all: it says on the box that all brands use a universal measurement of absorbency…”
Me: “Okay.”
WHS Pimp: “…And they color code it accordingly. Like: ‘Supers’ all equal ‘green’…”
Me: “Right.”
WHS Pimp: “…Now, they figure on the absorbency in measurements of grams. Which, I dunno ’bout you, but I find just weird.”
Me: “Sure.”
WHS Pimp: “First of all: who measures in grams? That’s like metric system kind of bullshit. And what kind of panel or research people has the job of figuring out the amount of grams that people bleed anyway? And also: how does that information help you at all? I mean: how’s a lady supposed to know how many grams she expels? What…they want you to like squat over a cup or something for several hours at a stretch to gauge the general weight? And also: that changes almost daily, and according to your activity…am right? I mean: you have heavy flow times and NOT so heavy flow times…”
Me: “Correct.”
WHS Pimp: “…But then they say a ‘super’ absorbs such-and-such grams or ‘heavy’…and ladies are different, so YOUR heavy time might not be HER heavy time amount and so on. So how’s a poor pre-teen, in like a family of all men with no mother, supposed to figure that shit out?!”
Me: “I never really thought about that…”
WHS Pimp: “Yeah! Right?! So here’s what I think…”
Me: “Bring it.”
WHS Pimp: “First of all: You ladies take a whole lotta shit.”
Me: “We do.”
WHS Pimp: “…They shouldn’t be adding, ‘how many grams am I bleeding right now’ onto it.”
Me: “Right? Those fucking bastards.”
WHS Pimp: “…And also: you’re super badass. I mean you BLEED out of your VAGINA. EVERY. MONTH.”
Me: “It’s true.”
WHS Pimp: “…So I decided, I should open up my OWN Tampon factory and just totally revolutionize the whole system. We’d ax that whole grams/’super’ size crap and just go with ‘simple.’ And market it better. Like with awesome animal names or something.”
Me: ”I’d be down with that.”
WHS Pimp: “See?!”
Me: “And none of the ‘Have a happy period’/ ‘fortune cookie’ bullshit that Tampax pulls. That just enrages me. I’m hurled over a toilet bowl, ralphing from cramps, while bleeding, and when it’s time to change-out, some snarky-bullshit-condescending-marketing-asshat has printed that crap all over the wrapper I’m trying to get the fuck open, and it just PISSES ME OFF. Really? ‘Practice makes perfect?’ Really?! I’ve been a fucking EXPERT at this shit FOR 21 YEARS NOW, thank you…!”
WHS Pimp: “…Oh, I hear yuh! Yeah. There’ll be NONE of THAT, in MY Tampon company!”
Me: “Good…”
WHS Pimp: “…And ALSO: Lets just take the math and measures out of the whole mixture. We have one product, one box, one size: done. Why even waste your time with different sizes to begin with? It’s just confusing. Why not just a one-size-fits all? I mean, wouldn’t you rather just use the ‘super’ …or in MY product line’s case: ‘Panther’…all the time, and be done with it? Less changing. Less mess. Less hassle. PLUS: it’d be like, ‘Hey, you gotta Panther? Yeah I got one. You need one? Yeah, thanks.’ It’s that awesome.
Me: “Ah. And here, we hit the snag.”
WHS Pimp: “…The final animal names are totally negotiable…”
Me: “No, it’s not the ‘Panther.’ Your right, that is badass. It’s that the amount of flow DOES in fact matter.”
(He blinks)
Me: “Okay…cuz like, you have your ‘Panther’ days…and sometimes your ‘Polar Bear’ days…but you eventually wheedle down to like your ‘small-rodent-Chipmunk’ days.”
WHS Pimp: “Right.”
Me: “Well like…where you can get away with a ‘Polar Bear’ on a ‘Panther’ day…you can’t wear a ‘Panther’ on a ‘Chipmunk’ day. Or a “Deer.” On a ‘Chipmunk’ day, even a ‘Rabbit’ is pushing it. Cuz getting that thing IN is a whole lot different then getting it OUT again.”
(He blinks)
Me: “…There’s…it’s…you have to…there’s dry yanking involved. Maybe like an un-lubed prostate exam. In reverse.”
(He winces.)
Me: “Yeah.”
(He winces again.)
Me: “…BUT, I applaud your efforts ….in concerned study and thought…on making our monthly Mrs. Johnson visits more badass and streamlined and less condescendingly douchey.”
WHS Pimp: “It’s just cuz I care.”
Me: “I know you do, buddy.”
(Long silence as he goes back to his desk.)
Me: “That was a very detailed pooping.”
WHS Pimp: “Yeah. Tell me about it…”
The end.
~D
