Diaries Magazine

Things I’ve Learnt This Year

Posted on the 13 June 2020 by Monicasaidso @MonicaSaidSo__x
I don’t have to say everything that comes into my head but I choose to because why the fuck not? Life is far to short to leave things unsaid. I love differently to most - my perception of love and my way of showing love isn’t the typical way. I love in an all encompassing way, I love in a way that is beneficial to the other person; sometimes that means not showing them that love because what I bring to their lives would negatively impact them. There are so many people I have to keep away from because I am not good for them to have in their lives and while I miss them every day and love them always, this is the best this I can do. I. Am. Not. My. Past. But I am built on it and it is what pushes me forward. I cannot wait to be thirty six and have lived an entire life away from that past. No one knows me better than me. I am me and I have to live in my head everyday, how can anyone claim to know me better than myself?I may not be an amazing mother but I am the one my child needs. I fight harder for him that I have ever fought for anyone on this earth. I am a good wife - my husband is a spoiled brat and that’s my fault but it makes me feel needed and wanted. I get purpose from him, I get to be the wife I want. I’m a better friend to him though and when I am more friend than wife we are happiest because that’s what our relationship was originally built on - friendship. I am a bad sister/daughter and that’s simultaneously fucking devastating and okay. I’ll never be a daughter let alone a good one but being a parent I can say that if I wanted anything from my child it would be for them to be happy so that’s all I can offer. My heart breaks every time I think about all my siblings, all of them but I know that my influence and place in their life is unneeded and unnecessary, they are stronger people than I could ever dream and they do not need me.Platonically loving people is so important, I love so many people, so much that sometimes it makes my heart ache but recently that mutual platonic love I have with some of my friends has shown me what people can really be. I have been astounded and touched by the people I am surrounded by. Self love is not attainable for myself. I’ll never truly be able to stop hating myself, I can have days or even weeks where I am neutral towards myself but I’ll never love myself the way my people love me. I will never understand why they do but I’m grateful and understand that they love me enough for both of us. Even if something isn’t attainable it doesn’t mean you should try, trying is a wonderful thing. Being brave enough to know you might fail but still going for it isn’t stupid. Doing something badly is better than not doing it at all. Literally any task worth doing is worth doing in some form; can’t find the energy to eat a meal then at least eat some salsa out of the jar. Don’t have the energy to do a full skin care routine? At least rinse your face. Something is almost always better than nothing in so many cases. The things I love are important and need to be nourished for me to be a functioning human being I have to find things that are just for me. Selfishly just for me and I have to actually do them, I have to find time to do them. I have to prioritise them when I’m gone the option to. I can talk about my trauma, I’m allowed to do that. It is mine to talk about and as long as I’m being respectful of those who are included and mindful of their privacy I’m allowed to say whatever the fuck I want. Talking about my trauma will heal me, keeping it all inside me has torn me apart. It has ripped me limb from limb and dumped me in a river. I cannot heal if I keep it to myself, no matter how hard it may be to talk about it or say it out loud I have to do it. Going through a traumatic experience was the hard bit, talking about it is far easier and if I could live through the first I can live through the latter. Healing is not linear and I need to remember it for myself too. Up and forward are not the only directions I can go, some days I will be running full pelt towards the finish line and other days I will lay on the ground and bake like a slug in the sun because life is still happening and I have to take that into consideration. Things can be simultaneously true, I can only see things from my perspective and how they impacted me but that is true for others too so while I may have seen a situation someone else may not be able to understand that. I can be right and so can they buy that doesn’t mean I’m wrong for feeling the way I do and I need to respect that their feelings and view is all they have. Memories are all we will have one day, we all die and one day I will only be a memory so I have to do what I can to make sure that the memory I leave behind is a good one for the most part. I can’t erase the bad ones if placed in people’s lives but I can try to make sure they aren’t continuing to add up. I’m important even though I won’t feel like it and that’s okay. I’m never going to feel like I really need to be here or that I’m worth it but I am here for the ones I love and they need me, that pull is far stronger than any I could feel for myself. Trying new things is scary but I’m braver than I think, I can and I will manage to do whatever it is. It might not be pretty and I may do it kicking and screaming but I will do it because there is no other way. Sometimes the only way is through. Doing something in a different way doesn’t make it wrong, being different and being wrong are not the same thing and anyone making me feel like that can fuck off. I’m not buying into that “it’s just the way things are done” bullshit. If I get the desired result it shouldn’t matter what process I use. Do not wish to be normal, what makes you you is so important. In a world of trends and societal norms having something that makes you different is not lonely, you are one of billions of people on this earth do not think for a moment that you are the only one. You can’t be you just have to find the others. I’ll wear whatever I damn well please and I couldn’t give a flying fuck less about what someone has to say about it, this meat shell is mine to dress the way I fucking please and my roles in life should not dictate that. Comfort should be primary and me feeling confident in what I’m wearing should be secondary, the rest is irrelevant. Sometimes being backed into a corner is the best thing I can be, I find strength in having no options and being forced to be my best, when I’m given no choice but to perform I find myself doing better than I could have planned for. I do not crumble under pressure like I used to believe I am not incapable and weak. Tell those you love how you feel often, tell them sincerely in there love language and yours, scream it, text it, voice note it, write it in the condensation on the mirror, as a status on Facebook whatever medium you can and as often as you can because you cannot ever do it enough. Do it so much that when you’re gone there’s still enough to keep them going, if they love you too it won’t be annoying or too much. Loving people is hard as hell but worth it, it is agony in some cases, it is bliss in others. You will find solace and misery in the same thing depending on the person and situation but it is better to know love. Pushing it away doesn’t protect you. Teach others to love, show love, give it freely and ask nothing in return but take notice of what is given back because caring for yourself is also a goal to strive towards. I wonder what I’ll learn next. 

Love and fuckery Monica             xxx

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