The thing I hate most about myself is probably that I tend to prioritize someone’s feelings above the truth. In a mission impossible to shelter others of hurt I sometimes hold back my opinions and thoughts. Thing is, I’m often the person who gets hurt by this strategy. Fortunately, I’m a sucker for self-efficacy (read Bandura people!) and I am determined to remedy this problem of mine. That’s why I made a kind of resolution at the start of this school year to try and not bite back everything I want to say that might be seen or felt as hurtful by another person.
Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t my primary goal or intention to hurt anybody. As a matter of fact, I hope that others will consider my thoughts and opinions and maybe act on them so that they themselves can improve.
Just a couple of weeks ago I was at a meeting with teachers from both primary and secondary education. We have started a project on the improvement of language and mathematics among our student population, because at the moment their language and maths skills and results are just not cutting it. I was there because this topic interests me immensely and I want to put my effort, time, knowledge and skills into this project in order for it to succeed and hopefully help my (future) students this way.
One of my colleagues, who was over-worked, also attended this meeting. At the end, when we were dividing up our tasks, she told us that we shouldn’t be counting on her and that she had to speak to our team manager about it first. She was talking about time and if she would get paid and if it was worth the trouble. So I told her in no uncertain terms that she was either in or out. If she’d choose out, I would be fine with it. If she’d choose in, she had to go for it not do it against her will because I most certainly would not be the one to encourage her and incite her while doing this project. I did feel like I had to distance myself from her as a person a bit to be able to say it.
Another thing I hate about myself is that I set high expectations of myself and at the same time expect others to do the same (to set high expectations of themselves, that is). I also feel let down when I notice people don’t do that.
Last, but not least, I’m practically unable to act friendly towards adults I don’t like. It takes me quite some effort to not come off as a total jerk to them. I explicitly say adults, because I don’t have that problem when it comes to kids and teenagers.
Well, that’s enough hatefulness directed at my person for one day. Next Truthful Tuesday I’ll write about something I love about myself.
