Dear X and Y (formerly known as Mom and Dad),
I think that almost every child looks up to their parents, especially when the child is fairly young. When a child grows up, it starts to see its parents in a different light; parents start to become human. They are no longer supernatural entities, braving whatever storm, knowing all the answers to every question you could possibly come up with. They become people with flaws, quirks, gaps in their knowledge.
When I first started noticing this, I was a bit offended. Okay, maybe a lot offended. How could these two people, who apparently don’t know everything, should get to tell me what to do, when to do it and with whom to do it with? I “rebelled”. These parenthesis, however, are no typo. We fought a lot, first about my Internet usage, then about my first boyfriend, then about the phone bill accumulated because of late night telephone conversations with said boyfriend. There came a time when we fought almost every day.
Dad, I must tell you that I have never been more afraid of a person than I was of you when you got mad. I know I must have driven you to the brink of insanity, but still. I can distinctly remember you throwing a pepper mill at my head when we were in a restaurant. I vividly recall your hands on the collar of my blouse as you lifted me from my chair, and it is with no small amount of shame that I remember wetting my pants when this happened.
When the boyfriend entered the picture I wasn’t allowed much. We had to sneak around some, which ultimately led to more fighting between you and me. I never used to be glad when Dad had to travel because of his work, but it was during this period that I was actually looking forward to these short spans of time when things would calm down. Mom was actually far more lenient towards my relationship with my boyfriend; we were allowed more.
This, of course, also led to fights between the two of you. Apparently, my Mom trusted me and my decision making skills way more than you did. Then again, how could you trust me when you weren’t around for about a quarter of my life?
Still, when it came to the fights I had with Dad, I missed the support of my Mom. I missed the comfort and I was starting to miss the love. “I love you” was not something that was said within our household and when I came to meet and get to know my boyfriend and his family and saw how they interacted, I was just floored. You know that for a long time, I wasn’t able to hug anyone except my boyfriend? I just couldn’t do it, and it still feels awkward a lot of the time.
On New Year’s Eve 2000, Dad said to my boyfriend, “I don’t trust you. I know what boys and men are like.” This is where you really and permanently have lost you hero status, Dad. Not since you divorced Mom, got on a plane to the United States, and married a woman you had apparently been seeing for 8 years! How happy you must have been with your new wife’s sons, because you’d always wanted to have those.
After I ran away from home, it was all about getting me away from my in-laws, since they were such a bad influence on me and had forced me to run away from you and move in with them. Well, I can tell you, if any one of us would have felt there was another possibility, a better one, we would have all have grasped it, but there wasn’t.
In therapy it was always someone else who had to take the blame; me, my boyfriend, the in-laws, even the psychologist wasn’t in the clear. I had to do this and that and whatnot and then everything would be fine between us again. I didn’t want to comply anymore, though. Everything just collapsed.
Dad should have trusted me, Mom should have supported me and both of you should have loved me unconditionally.
The psychologist once told me during one of our sessions, “You cannot miss what you didn’t have to begin with.” Well, I can tell you from experience, that’s just a load of crap. I miss having parents and lucky for me I have the best in-laws who are as close to being my parents that they could possibly be, but it’s not the same.
I wish you all the best.
B. (formerly known as Your Daughter)
