Sometimes I wish I could step into my son Samuel’s body so I
could experience the world through his senses and his thoughts for a day or so.
I would think of it as a version of a highly conscious unfreaky Friday.
I know his senses are heightened and I know he has anxiety. I know his language processing is different, but I wonder how different?
Maybe there were moments yesterday that felt like he feels.
Yesterday I had a sense of foreboding. This is not an uncommon feeling since my cancer diagnosis.
My affect was flat, each movement felt like a bigger commitment than I could manage. I went to Emma’s school to drop off her change of clothes after a choir gig and every step was a marathon. I found my way into her choir room and then, I had to find her. I looked here and there and I rounded a corner and there she was, sitting in a circle with a group of friends, talking and happy.
They stopped talking when they saw me. Emma leaped up and hugged me, saying, “Mommy, you’re the best.” She couldn’t tell how close I was to crying. When I mentioned it later I said, “It is so weird, I feel like I need to cry but it isn’t like there is any sort of reason for it, I just want to cry.”
I attempted to explain it to a friend, this feeling of anticipation of rather than the best is yet to be, the worst is ready to drop on my head at any moment.
I tend toward the optimistic perspective. Pollyanna is my friend. I was writing gratitude lists long before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon, but I have also come to know there is occasionally a tipping point that happens, that final nudge that pushes you off the, “Oh, yeah, I’m doing decently” ledge.
One of my primary areas of focus in 2013 is rebirthing my creative life coaching and personal development business. I have done very well in the past, but during my variety of lifetime movie themed situations, I let go of developing my business. This Fall, with my Melanoma and surgery and recovery, I haven’t taught any classes for my own business although I did continue doing contract and freelance work at the barest of minimums.
I said to my friend, “I think I have tapped into a very specific and quietly insidious part of my fear. Somehow I believe if I get as successful as I was before my avalanche of crises happened, I will have another avalanche of crises. There are no promises this one wouldn’t bury me,” I said, recognizing the whole time how ridiculous this sounds and how contrary to the way I speak, write and know much of the time.
One example was having constant fear for whatever Samuel may
be encountering at school on any given day. I told my friend, “When he was in
kindergarten they called me sometimes several times a week, asking me to take
Samuel home because of some problem or another.” I paused. “It isn’t as bad now,
but I am always on alert….especially after the troubles in fourth grade.”
Later in the afternoon my phone rang. It was the principal saying Samuel had been involved in an altercation and there were two other boys involved who not only got sent to his office, they got suspended for a couple days. He reiterated Samuel did nothing wrong, but he wanted me to know so I could see if Samuel would talk to me.
There was only one other time Samuel had a situation arise similar to this and it caused the other student to be suspended for five days.
This is the reality of his life. I can’t protect him twenty-four hours a day. We have chosen main streaming specifically because I don’t want him to be stuffed into a special ed ghetto where he is separate from all the neurotypical kids. He is smart enough to go to college and get a job someday where not everyone will be a person with autism. He needs to know how to relate to all people, even those who are rotten to him.
The other kids need to learn to befriend unique children. They need to learn the world is made up of many different forms and versions of human beings, not just Jane or Joe Average.
He also needs to have allies: teachers, principals, other students who are friends with him who actually like him.
I picked Samuel up from his after school program and he was in a great mood. He was happy and pleasant.
I thought, “Maybe he feels cared for by the Principal since Samuel knew the Principal “had his back” so Samuel would feel safer.” I’m not sure, but now that I know I will be able to talk to Samuel about it. My fear of Junior High has now increased, but my trust in his current school has also increased. The Principal has a new plan to insure there won’t be a repeat of this situation involving personnel being involved in monitoring the playground more effectively.
For the meantime, I need to remember I get to choose how I
respond to situations that
threw me so far off kilter when I set aside my
business the last time because of crises in my personal life. I can choose to
not be upset by it and calmly look at the facts as the intelligent woman I know
I am.
Today, my mood is much better. There isn’t concrete in my feet. I don’t feel like I am about to burst into tears. I am taking care of myself well.
Sometimes I wish I could step into Samuel’s body so I could experience the world through his senses and his thoughts for a day or so. It would be a conscious sort of unfreaky Friday.
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