Diaries Magazine

Whats up Buttercups?

Posted on the 06 September 2012 by Nickmcdonald @W_W_O_Nick_McD
Hey guys and gals! So I haven't made a post in fucking FOREVER!!! Sorry, for those who may have enjoyed reading about my mental breakdown and my life in general. Basically what happened is after everything that happened in my life, writing my blog the way I had been wasn't a good idea. People were worried about me, they didn't understand what was going on with me, still don't. And I just really couldn't keep doing what I was doing because of it.
Fear not my readers, I still love writing, and I'm hoping to start writing more again!! Just about stuff that won't cause people to flip out and think I'm crazy.
Ok, I think I'll just start with a general catch up, tell you whats going on with me now; a lot has changed actually!
One big thing is that the girl who was at the center of all the fuckery in my life is gone, completely 100% out of my life except for the fact that she's still on my mind occasionally, I'm trying to forget her, doesn't happen over night right? yeah.....
So I guess I'll tell you what happened, doesn't really matter. She broke my heart, She really did. As you know I'm big on honesty and openness, annnnndddd...... she lied to me, a fucking big one. I liked her, I can't deny that, but when we started hanging out of course feelings grew. I told her I loved her, that I was seriously into her; which was true. The lie was that she said she loved me too, and as time went on my feelings kept growing as you would expect, I was tricked into thinking that she was having the same feelings for me. She kept lying, and that just repeated, every time she said she loved me I loved her more. Of course it ended, she didn't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend anymore because of "University"  (Which was another thing she let me believe.... by calling me her boyfriend to my face)
But the lying didn't stop there, she didn't do the right thing and just tell me that she just didn't have feelings for me, she wanted to be friends of course, and so did I because I still loved her, as foolish and naive as I was I still felt we had a real connection.
It went for a while, but the stories about fucking her boyfriend and shit just got to be to much and I started falling apart, we fought a LOT sometimes not talking for weeks, mainly fighting about one topic which was of course her feelings about me, after months of asking, fighting, asking again, her not telling me and more fighting, I finally got an answer. She said that she had never thought of me as anything but a friend. Which would have been fine, if she had told me that a couple months before. That is just a fucked up thing to do to a person and even though I tried to forgive her I really couldn't. Everything I thought about her was all based on lies, I didn't trust her and she sure as hell wasn't doing anything to earn back my trust.
So the next thing was to try to break off all connection because I need her out of my life if she isn't going to change, I can't have someone like that in my life, I'm not well as it is. But of course I wanted to do it in a way that didn't leave bad blood between us, just a polite, mutual goodbye. Simple, effective, and clean. I tried to explain it as clearly and politely as possible, just trying my ass of to try to get her to understand how I felt and why I felt that way. But she wasn't having any of it, I'm not sure if it was the way I said it or her misunderstanding, or just her selfish desire to keep me wrapped around her finger but after like 4 times trying to say the same thing and begging for a proper goodbye, she kept getting progressively madder each time and by the last time it was made it clear that I was either going to have to be that unappreciated friend who is treated like shit, or be enemies with her, simple strangers wasn't an option.
It didn't happen the way I wanted but I guess in the end it's for the best that she wants nothing to do with me, she brought me nothing but pain from the beginning. Though to be completely honest I still love her in a fucked up way, and if some way she comes across this article and comes to me apologizing I know I'll still be a fool for her and I will always be there for her if she want me even though she won't be for me. It's just who I am, I'm a lover, and a sucker for a pretty girl.
So that wasn't the story I was going to tell if you didn't notice the drastic change in mood, I got carried away with that. What I have been up to thats different is that I'm in college now!! I'm only two days in but I like it, it's not terribly fun, I haven't met anyone yet, but it's a change, a very positive one and I'm hoping that more comes out of it than just a degree.
So thats all, I'm going to try to write more often, so hopefully college gives me something good to write about!!
One thing I'll say though before I go, let this story teach you something. If there is one thing you should never lie about it's love, love is a big deal, if you say that word, mean it there is no worse pain than a broken heart.
Until next time,
Nick McDonald

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