When I left Small Town the first time, my college church had just begun "planting" a campus here. I was bummed to not be able to take part, but quickly got involved in what I think qualifies as a Mega Church down in Big City. That church was incredible, and huge, and had a million opportunities to serve. That church was all about healing and growth and grace. The thing about a church where the focus is "It's OK to not be OK," is that struggles in your life do not disqualify you from ministry. Not only that, the church is so giant that even if you had struggles, you'd have to tell someone about them for anyone to know.
That's not the case here. In Small Town, everyone knows everything about everyone else. All you need is for one person to know a detail of your life, and pretty soon it's not a secret anymore. Not only that, this church that has had such an impact on my life since I was 18 years old has a congregation of 17,000 people less than the one in Big City - not even considering the size of the campus in Small Town.
All of this is to say that I no longer feel qualified for ministry. I feel like struggles in my life are magnified here. I feel like I'm not good enough to help with anything of substance. There are a few different sins in my life that make me feel this way - one of which is a sense of Pride. It's not so much that I think I'm so fantastically awesome, but I often feel a sense of superiority when people ask if I grew up here. "No, I didn't grow up in Small Town," I catch myself saying with disgust. I feel like saying, "I'm a city girl. I grew up in LA. I wear cute clothes and cute shoes and shop at places that you could only get to if you drove four hours or shopped online. Every other house I've lived in has had mail delivered straight to the door, not the mailbox at the end of the dirt road."
What I leave out there is that I grew up in the ghetto. I grew up in a home fraught with domestic violence. I grew up so poor that my best friend from 15-20 finally told me one day that she knew me as "The Popular Girl Who Wore High Waters" when we were in Jr. High. I don't know where that comes from, but it sounds pretty hard to love and serve the city I live in, when I don't even consider it a city.
So my question to you is this, how do you know if the "you aren't in a place to serve" is God asking for your patience, or Satan keeping your from Glorifying the King?
I will be praying a lot about this. If you're the praying type, I'd be honored if you'd remember me to ask where God is leading me to help and serve at this junction in my life. And to bring to light the sins in my life that need his grace - without letting Satan tear me down for my mistakes by telling me nothing can make me worthy of God's Kingdom. Thank you sweet friends.
