Just as dramatically as the weather has shifted from idyllic summer sun to cold rain, so too has my mood shifted from a picture-perfect weekend with friends to something uncommunicative and dark.
I was so happy to welcome Joseph home from his bachelor-party weekend in Montreal for a friend who is getting married this summer. But there were aspects of his stories from the weekend that raised some uncomfortable feelings, and although we’ve talked our way through them, I’m finding it difficult to put it behind me and move on. On top of that, he’s in the midst of a deep depression after also having a perfect weekend with his friends… apparently, being around so many other successful youth has made him question his career path which will have us trudging through school for a long time to come. And he’ll be 30 in September.
You know when you love someone so much that you’d do anything just to take away their pain? That’s how I feel. I would do anything to take his darkness and carry it for him… I feel like I’m much more accustomed to those sad feelings than he is. Conversely, when he’s miserable and I can’t do anything about it, I become miserable. Which only compounds the problem because he feels worse for affecting my mood negatively.
I know he’ll come out of it, but right now, things don’t look very good. I re-opened the same cut in my shin last night with a blade, and added another line next to it. The relief was only momentary.
In response to all this emotional duress, I could not fall asleep last night, getting up to take a shower at midnight and putting myself back to bed, but not drifting off to sleep until 2:30 or 3am, and then only sleeping for two hours tops. I could barely move myself out of bed this morning.
