“….Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them. For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.” // Deuteronomy 20:3-4
*Photo Credit: Tumblr
Two and a half years ago was when it all began.
No, I do not remember the first night it happened, but I do remember it endured nearly every night after; nonstop for weeks at a time. Again. And again. And again.
Night after night, as I waited for sleep to come, like clockwork, the shadows in my room would creep. Large figures or things like dark smoke would move across my room. No, I was not dreaming. In fact, it woke me up on countless occasions. It was a very acute reality.
I would see these things and dread filled every part of me, knowing it was happening again; I would shake violently with the most choking and heart wrenching terror. “They” (the shadows, the figures, etc) mocked me, saying they would never leave me alone and no one could save me. Soon they would fade away, but I would lay there crying in silence, longing for the sun to rise so I could sleep.
And thus, I was introduced to – or perhaps more thrown into – spiritual warfare.
I recognized it for what it was right away. I knew by the attacks of fear, panic, and doubt, that this battle came from the spiritual realm. It not only caused me severe sleep deprivation and effected my physical health, but it caused me to be depressed, to walk in complete fear, and most importantly, to doubt and even deny the love of my Father. Why would He allow me to be so severely oppressed? How could He hear my cries and seem to never reach down and fight for me? How could I believe He loved me?
I was oppressed in every sense of the word. And many knew it. I had people pray for me, pray for my room, and pray for courage. I often had to have my mom sleep in my room because I was so terrified. I slept with my light on because the dark struck such an acute fear in my heart. During the day, I was depressed. During the night, I was being spiritually annihilated.
And it lasted for two years. For two years, my friend, I was afraid of what the night held. For two years, I felt I could do nothing but allow myself to be pushed around. For two years, I knew nothing of what it means to have the power of the Living God inside of me; the same power that defeats death and can outshine any darkness.
And in those two years, I had no idea that God was indeed working behind my back and that the nights of my Oppressor were numbered.
The turning point came when I received a call that a young woman was being possessed by a demon. In fact, the young man who called me put her on the phone. When I heard the voice of the young woman who was being spiritually oppressed, something inside of me rose up and within that minute, I was driving as fast as I could to where she was, running straight into a war zone I knew of only vaguely (and lest you think I’m boasting in my own strength, I had none of my own to boast of. That was God inside of me).
However, that wasn’t the end. The battle did not end there, and I did not expect it to. You see, the Enemy of our souls hates it when he has been found out. He despises when the light is turned on, when we fear not, and when we begin to put on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). And he is persistent.
I battle still at night. In fact, one of my biggest fights was on my way home from a job at 2am a few weeks ago. Total darkness filled the car. In every way. I won’t elaborate, but I have never experienced it so tangibly (while I was driving. Totally safe). My first instinct? Fear. But we fight not with our instincts. We fight when we remind our hearts that even demons tremble with fear when we fight with the power of the Lord. So what did I do? I smiled. And then I laughed. And then I said, “I know where you belong, and I know Who I belong to. I’m not afraid”. And so I sang. And I prayed. And the whole way home, I thanked God for victory. Even as my knees shook ever so slightly, I remembered Who I belong to and that the Enemy cannot take me away.
*Photo Credit: Tumblr
(Just a side-note: As I was looking through my past notes tonight from church, I came across a word that God had given me that I had almost forgotten. As I reflected on these times, He said, “I have been working for your victory over fear for years. Beginning with the Shadows”. Interesting how in the times we feel utterly and bitterly alone, He is preparing us for a greater, encompassing glory which we would not have previously believed.)
My friend, listen to me. I was controlled by depression, anxiety, and fear. These were the backstory to every thought, every decision, every perception. And they are all lies. We are under the blood of Jesus. He cares for us and nothing can take us from His hand. So, any fear is a lie. My enemies came against me at my weakest times and I pleaded for others to fight where I felt I could not take up my own armor. I therefore allowed myself, even if unknowingly, to be defeated by lies. How dishonoring to the Gospel.
Jesus did not come and die, He did not endure shame, He did not endure the wrath of God and Man so that we could be defeated by the very enemies that are paralyzed by the mention of His name.
“Be strong and courageous….” // Joshua 1:9
God is good. He would not give us a command and not equip us to carry it out. Through Christ you have victory over your enemies, whether they are pride, lust, fear, or any situation you are thrown into. But you must be willing to pick up your sword and defeat it. I may face adversity that threatens to consume me, but I do not have time to mess around and be overcome. I have a job to do. And so do you.
Your prayers have power. I learned that well in the stories I just told you. So pray and believe it.
God’s word is like a lamp (Psalm 119:105). And it’s sharper than any sword (Hebrews 4:12). So memorize it and speak it into whatever you face.
The Lord is your defender and He fights also because He loves you (Deuteronomy 1:29-31). So remember you never have to walk through your circumstance by yourself or carry it alone (2 Peter 5:7).
If you are a Christian, you have the power of Christ in you. Never dishonor His sacrifice by hiding under your blankets. He loves you too much.
