Diaries Magazine

Yes, I Am Responsible for Easter

Posted on the 27 April 2011 by Lauralevites

Yes, I am aware that this week has had a myriad of religious holidays. I admit I was made aware of this fact on Twitter.  I wake up everyday and check my twitter feed, I see the tweets and I see whats trending that’s how I know.  This year I chose to ignore the holidays, mine, yours all of them….that is until I heard this.

Today is Easter Sunday.  Honestly, I don’t even know what that means but I love the candy.  I started eating Peeps a month ago, when they were first put on the shelves. While casually speaking to three of my friends today I wished them a Happy Easter, and all three of them had a similar response, “thank you ,but your people did this you know.” “You are responsible for this.”    ”You killed our god!!!!.”

I did?  My  people, I don’t even have a father.  Oh I get it the Jews, funny.  Yeah I saw the movie too.   I have never even read the bible or Torah, or whatever it is your supposed to do when you follow a religion.  I just started praying 2 years ago, and I don’t even know to who, whom or what, I just started praying for help.  Yes, I was born Jewish, hate if you want but baby I was born this way.

What is Easter anyway? I googled it.  K, it’s the day Jesus comes back, gets resurrected they say.  Well if “they” say it, it must be right.

What I think really happened on Easter.  First off, Jesus was Jewish and lived in the desert.  A lot of strange things happened in the desert, like Aliens.  I think that Jews are part Alien, how else would you explain Albert Einstein, Sigmund Freud, Neil Diamond etc..I think that one day a very cute girl was walking in the desert, and poof a spaceship beamed down and captured her.  The Aliens on the ship were so enamoured with her beauty, they had sex with her, erased her memory and returned her to earth.  This girl, got preggers and gave birth to the first jew boy.  That is why all Jewish boys wear Yamakas, in fact they are not hats they are tracking devices.  Skip to Jesus, son of God, whatever.  He was killed, nailed to a cross but he mysteriously came back.  I believe he was beamed up to the very same spaceship that took the girl, the Aliens fixed him and brought him back.  The End. Easter, the Aliens looked like Bunnys.

It is possible I smoke too much pot and watch the discovery channel.

Ok, back to earth.  So let me get this straight, I meaning me, or my family..probably my mother with her shellacked hair and her freshly painted nails…get it nails? ha ha killed Jesus, and he came back, and that’s called Easter.  Because of this people everywhere get to eat a lot of great candy like Peeps, Cadbury eggs, chocolate marshmello bunnys, jelly beans and get to act like corny idiots and put bunny ears on pets and baby’s and take pictures of them and post them on the internet,, and we can color eggs, and go on scavenger hunts, and put on big floppy hats and have parades…….Wow, that sounds kinda fun!!!!

So yes, my name is Laura Levites, I am responsible for easter, YOUR WELCOME!

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