The past few days, I haven’t really been kind to myself.For four straight days after my outrage…I stayed nearly the whole day inside my room.Kept the door locked.Stayed in bed.Overslept.And I only came out when I felt safe…Safe from my so-called anger-provoking situations.I wasn’t ready to face another challenge.Because I knew I haven’t fully recovered from the emotionally taxing experience last Sunday.Another encounter would be far too soon.And the thought of it scared me.So I hid. Escaped.Felt unhappy. Guilty. Hopeless.It felt like the only right thing to do was to keep punishing myself.And shutting myself out from the world.
As I lay awake in bed yesterday afternoon…I prayed.Suddenly, it seemed as if peace and clarity filled my mind.I felt like I came to an understanding of my present situation.Of why I was hurting.And maybe…I haven’t totally accepted the fact that I could not find the emotional support I needed from people who were supposed to give it to me.Too much expectations.Expectations that they will change.Expectations that they will finally understand what it is I am going through.Expectations of what and how I wanted them to be.Yes, I created those expectations.But I think it’s only right that I get rid of them once and for all.Because the only way I will be able to get through this pain…Is to accept things as they are.And not try to change or fight them.I think that made sense.
Right now…I am feeling better.I can’t say that I’m perfectly okay.And that the situation is perfect.Challenges will still happen in the future.Challenges that will test my temper, patience…Challenges that will serve to test my character.But life must go on.
I’m blessed to have the strength to move on.
