Facebook Randomness!!!

So the RatedPeople.com ad just came on and they said "helping you find roofers" I heard "roofies".
I just found myself licking a lemon. What is wrong with me?
Thank you, God for all the people you have given me, I don't know where I would be without them. Thank you for the strength you have afforded me through stressful times.
Happy Eid
What witchcraft is this?
I woke up an hour ago after going to sleep at 11pm. I'm now tired again.
I'm pretty sure the kids in the park behind my house were just chanting "fuck that".
I can't stop watching "What To Expect When You're Expecting". Just finished my 5th time today.
Me and Paco don't like the thunder. Mr Thalukdher come and save us.
I think the nerves in my legs have done acid.
Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad, kids.
So Hubby is sleeping like Superman in his standing pose which tbh is really funny looking, I can hear what sounds like a flock of many different birds and cats having a giant fucking orgy, my back is killing and it's 5am. Perfect.
Oh dear. I'm feeling a bit like a turtle on it's back today.
So I just made my morning cup of tea in my clear tea cup and saucer, with a pear shaped silicone tea strainer and a spoon that has a fairy on it but I was unable to drink said culmination of amazingness because I forgot to boil the fucking kettle and I used cold water.
I'm so stupid, I didn't know that the all the Ocean's movies are named so because Dani's character is called 'Daniel Ocean'.
THICKO.
Okay the need for spaghetti bolognese is getting too much for me to handle.
I think I just hiccuped and sneezed, but because it happened at the same time my face just went funny.
Yesterday, my little brother was not only awarded certificates for Achievement and Attendance but he was also given a special certificate from his Headteacher. He was said to have worked hard in every aspect of school life from Maths to Swimming. I am so proud of you! You are always going to be my little skinny boy but it seems to the world your are the amazing, smart, lovely little man I knew you always would be.
I love you lots, Holgush!
I wonder if onions appreciate the fact that I don't cry when I cut them like everyone else, or do they just think I'm a heartless bitch?
I have four different types of pillows supporting my back right now... yet somehow I am still not comfortable. How is this p o s s i b l e ?
I want to eat so many things that are different shades of orange.
Every Cleavage Thursday that LAD Bible does I always have the same reaction to each of the girls:
"Your boobs are nice and all now but wait until you start aging", that and "when you lie down do they go into your armpits?".
How do mermaids have babies? Like fish or like humans?
Seagulls are so fucking evil.
I want Coke so badly right now.
Curse you, carbonated drink of deliciousness and caffeine, why must you taunt me with your wicked taste of evil?!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Huw17PgFAHc
It doesn't matter how many times I watch this, it still gives me the chills.
That awkward moment when Facebook suggests your estranged step-dad as a friend.
My sister gets back from her 5-day trip to France today.
Who goes to France at 13? Who does she think she is? Lizzie Mcguire?
I can't deal with her growing up. I still remember her getting stuck on the slide and needing me to save her.
What if we hooked up gym equipment that requires physical strength to operate them to some sort of generating system so we harness that kinetic energy as a usable resource?
Gyms could be like useful instead of just places to check into on social media and douche central.
The beginning of the year must have been either really intense or kinda boring, cuz so many babies are due like October/September.
I have chocolate from Portugal, my housemate got it for me.
I like her. She gets me chocolate. She's nice and smells like a sugar plum fairy.
So I never realized how much I love the smell of burnt toast. How do you burn toast every time you make it? Ugh. Ffs.
With the Maa watching the Brazil v.s Germany.
Heartbreaking. Utterly heartbreaking.
Ugh cannot believe I got pricked four times for my glucose blood test at the hospital, then I threw up foam, fainted sitting down and giggled myself silly.
I should have taken a picture of Maa's face, she looked so worried lol.
OMG. "Hand holding bastards".
"Thanks assface".
When you dislike someone and everything they do starts to get on your tits.
The dog is acting so strange, he's barely left my side all day, like he sat outside the toilet and waited for me. He just keeps staring at me. It's kinda creepy.
Maybe he's trying to tell me something like "Timmy is stuck in the well" or some other shit that dogs tell humans.
Saw these and they made me laugh:
So I just stuck googly eyes to my belly and now I'm rotflbnisbitptguablatoib which stands for "rolling on the floor laughing but now I'm stuck because I'm too pregnant to get up a bit like a turtle stuck on it's back".
I love the random burst of energy I get from the baby - it enables me to get everything done, like
e v e r y t h i n g but then I'm like -__-" after and I wish I had just gone all sloth on the housework.
On the plus side I get to sniff clean sheets like a cocaine addict.
Back to my posts
Shut my finger in a door, bent my nail back, pulled my neck muscle twice and had a nose bleed
The past couple of days have been dangerous.
Makeup Setting Spray a.k.a Hair Spray for your face.
I walked all the way to the shop it get mint hot chocolate... but they didn't have it — feeling sad.
Watching Lonely Island videos this early when I'm this tired is kinda like being on acid.
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels... Apart from churros but churros don't taste as good as knowing my husband isn't scared he will snap me in half if he hugs me too hard or the sense of relief I get when my Maa doesn't start crying every time she sees me because I have got skinnier.
Nothing tastes as good as being a healthy weight that is appropriate for your height and age. Stop focusing of being skinny or fat - bones or obesity, neither are healthy - mentally or physically.
Laying in bed, next to a sleeping Hubby and in his sleep this is happened.
Him: Oh!
Me: What's the matter, Jaan?
Him: I get it now.
Me: Umm... what do you get?
Him: Li-lo. There used to be li-lo.
Me: I don't know what you're talking about, Jaan. Go back to sleep.
Him: There used to be li-lo now there's laminate.
Me: Where?
Him: In the house.
Me: No, Jaan. There is carpet here apart from the bathroom and the kitchen.
Him: Oh... But there was li-lo.
Yesterday was two years of being married to the weirdo that is my Hubby. I love you. I can't believe we have been only going for two years, it feels like it's always just been us. I love you so so so much. I love the way you frown for no reason. I love the way you can just eat and eat and eat. I love the way you laugh - it makes whatever is funny, a million times funnier. I love the changes you have brought in me. I love the way you make me feel, the way you look at me. I love you for everything you are and everything you're not.
Reh das da twu shee.
So I just watched 'What To Expect When You're Expecting' now I'm watching 'Friends With Kids' all while the Hubby lies topless next to me...
I do love my life.
I don't wear headscarf, I wear tight clothes, I wear makeup, I wear high heels. My husband doesn't like headscarves, my husband buys my clothes, my husband buys me my makeup, my husband buys me my heels. Got a problem with that then speak to him. I belong to him and this is the way he likes me to be.
Oh, Sleep. Sleep! Where for art thou Sleep?
Deny thy stubbornness, cease thy refusal.
And just fucking come and pay me a visit.
I love my Maa. She's like "fuck off I'm watching football".
Mr Thalukdher?
I want to do things to your face, like squish it so you look like a fish.
If your daughter is a girly girl or a tom boy or your son is a "bit of a wet blanket" or a rough-and-tumble kinda boy you accept it as the way they are, you support them and you are fine with it so why is it that a childs gender identity is a problem. How can you as a parent see your child unhappy in the skin they were born in and not want to help them?
Me to myself in my head, whilst lying on the sofa falling asleep.
Me: You should get up...
Me: Yeah but it is so cozy here.
Me: You have stuff to do, you can sleep after that.
Me: But my eyes are already closed...
Me: Open them.
Me: But...
Then I started laughing at myself because I realised I am a bad influence on myself.
So I woke up W A S T E D, then got a random burst of energy and did everything... but now I'm like "I need to pee but that means getting up... I could just pee here".
So I just choked on an extra juicy bit of orange... My Maa laughed. Lol.
So I'm nosing through my sisters pencil case and I found a picture of Osama Bin Laden
Wtf?!
It's my birthday...
That's well cool.
There is a woman who wear a corset 23 hours a day and I'm sat here like "I don't like trousers".
When my Maa thanks me for being there for her when she's down and all I can think is "least I can do after you housed me inside your body for nine months and then raised me".
There are only two things to worry about in life: whether you are well or whether you are sick; if you are well there is nothing to worry about. If you are sick there are only two things to worry about: whether you will get better or whether you will die. If you get better there is nothing to worry about. If you die there are only two things to worry about whether you will go to Heaven or whether you will go to Hell. If you go to Heaven there is nothing to worry about however if you go to Hell, you will be too busy shaking hands with old friends you won't have time to worry.
The Game's voice in Doctor's Advocate
It breaks my heart every time I hear it.
Today is definitely a playdoh day.
Gherkins must really freak cucumbers out.
I think I'm going to throw up. My toes hurt, along with the rest of me.
Why do seagulls pretend to be ducks?
Four bananas later and I think I'm addicted.
Saying something blasphemous and being like "wait am I allowed to say that?" and then deciding that you're in enough trouble as it is, so what the hey!
Hello 5am! Oh gosh, don't you look lovely?
D:
And 3:30am! Oh dear, goodness, how could I forget you?! I do apologise, how are you? Good? I'm glad. Now go fuck yourself.
Half three in the morning and we wake up to silence of the lambs style moth fluttering, I get scared so Hubby punches it, even though he H A T E S them
This is why I love you.
I think that's enough crazy for one post! Lol!
Love,
Monica
           xxx