1) Hairless, waxed men
What is your issue? Like you're a man, you shouldn't be totally hairless, it's what makes you manly, dude. Why don't you shave? Like a little bit of manscaping is okay - like a bit of tiding and and trimming but if you need time like outside of a normal bath or shower to do it then please fucking stop pretending to shave balls you quite obviously lack and grow a pair. But like totally waxing that shit off is just too much, I mean even women don't really want to do that kinda thing that many times it's just like we try it a few times and then we are like 'okay that hurt, never again'. Like I totally thing you should try everything once but waxing your back, chest and then like THE REST is just something that shouldn't even occur to you. Somethings on a dude should be hairy in some places like a little fuzz on your chest and back is totally acceptable man, unless you are like some freaky King Kong fucker then sort that shit out, babes cuz NO ONE wants to see that peaking out over your shirt. Also - legs, dudes with hairy legs are fine - the ones that shave in the summer freak me out - its like omg you are so smooth... you should do like a veet advert or something, like unless you have a medical, professional or relationship-al (that is now a word, btw) reason then keep the razor away from your legs. Okay now... your thing looks weird without like clothes. Does that make sense? Like a naked man crotch is really weird looking you might think it's fine cuz they do it in porn but, porn is not your friend and is lying to you, friends don't lie to friends, neither do they let them shave/wax their balls. Don't do it. Trim, boys. It's whats right.2) Pictures
If you take more pictures of yourself that your chick does... go get a mirror to just stare at yourself in all day long. Seriously, boys if you pull your top up in a picture it's just desperate and lame, no one give a fuck about your holding-my-breath-so-hard-so-I-can-have-a-maybe-four-pack ugh. Don't pose, don't take a "selfie", dont. DON'T. DO FUCKING NOT. Oh and dick pics? HAHAHA. seat up you do know she has an album of them and chances are you're not the biggest. Awww... Little man.3) Products.
Soap, some sort of gel (read Brylcreem), deodorant, lotion and a shampoo. Literally, all a dude needs. I will allow for like maybe two or three more things but if you have to leave the mens section... and walk towards makeup concessions then please keep walking, out the door and just keep walking until you get to your dad and tell him what you were about to do. He will tell you in the only way a dad can that what you were about to do was just... not good. Like if you have enough bottles to rival your girl then please at least find some 2-in-1's. Or worse if you are borrowing her products then I'm just going to start praying for you. Please don't wear makeup, it's for girls. Boys don't need lotions and potions.4) Lie about porn
You watch it, you have a wank. It's fine, but please a) remember to clean up after yourself and b) clear your browsing history. Lets leave it there.5) Lie in general
We know. You have a tell, we know it. We may not cause an argument about it but you can bet your life- it will come up, and you will answer just like we predicted you would whilst talking about your lie to one of our girls. We don't argue about everything because then we would never stop arguing with your sorry asses. Sometimes, it is just so much easier to let you know, we know about your lie in a way that lets you can carry on with your lie, but we have still made our point - like you think you got away with it, cuz she said it's not your fault; we know it is but, we just wanted to give you that chance to tell us the truth and save a small amount of dignity and respect but, you most likely carried on with your bitch ass fucking lie for no reason other that you thought you had gotten away with at least most of it... well, bub- you didn't and now you're an asshole twice over, I hope your balls get shut in a door somehow.6) DIY
I'm lucky my hubby just leaves me to fix stuff cuz I like it plus I think he likes watching me being all strong and concentrating, hey win-win lol. If you can't fix then just don't touch and vice versa, if you broke it just say don't touch cuz you'll make it worse.7) Poke us with it
T_T Actually I don't really see the issue with this one like I don't get why girls get so pissy about the toilet seat up. So he wants sex, so he's not kissing you, admit it babes you like that he can't keep his hands off you and himself to himself. Own it.8) Burps and such
Tbh I find that stuff funny - I used to be able to burp the alphabet and rival any boy at a spitting competition. But if your girl i s like that then just excuse yourself. Simple and easy.9) Food
You like it... we probably do too we just don't want to eat it cuz it's loaded with calories or will make a mess.10) Outfits
Okay so this is like a new phenomenon, dudes talking about what they are going to wear to something like at a planned work do or party. So my hubby last month was in London with his company for some sort of award ceremony and the dress code was black tie and all the boys were all discussing what they were going to be wearing at this event and then some div asked my hubby what he would be wearing, now as I have many a times said before my hubby is very alpha, so his response was "it's black tie, right? White shirt and black tie, black trousers", and he hadn't actually purchased a nice new crisp shirt yet, but that would be his attire for the night. The boys were all like going on about what color suit an shirt and tie they would be wearing... my husband was mortified. Like girls sit around and chat about the outfit ahead because otherwise you are in danger of dressing the same but dudes don't have this issue - suits pretty much look the same in dimly lit room full of them and thats fine - a guys never looked at another dudes tux and gone "oh shit! He's wearing the same as me!". A guys wardrobe consists of a butt-load of t-shirts, a few shirts, several pairs of jeans, a few smart trousers and thats about it. Like socks and underwear and a tie are obviously there too but you don't need to mention that. Guys in shorts freaks me out unless it's on holiday and in the summer and it's actually hot. Chinos... I can't even like... just... no. My brother has a pair and I punch him in the crotch every time I see him in the to remind him he is a boy. Skinny jeans... You're a boy... do you not need room for like stuff? No better way than to show all girls that you have little twiggy legs and no genitals than to wear a pair of skinny jeans that rival hers.11) Fake as fuck guy swagger
Okay so you know when a girl is in heels and she cannot walk anyway but then she tries to do that super-model-one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-angel-walk well dudes have the same thing I saw this dude on the way back home he was in his work uniform and from it I guess he worked at the train station but anyways so he was walking towards me... now I say walking it was more of a penguin side to side say with the top part of his body and this weird two step thing with his feet I couldn't help but just watch him in awe like Wtf? I asked my hubby what his issue was and he said he either had piles or it was his fake man swagger. Guys walk normally you have no need to convey in your walk that you are manly - it isn't like handshake, love. You don't need to be firm, just walk it's all good.12) Gym talk
OMG this one weirds me out a bit. Cuz like you get guys who will like skip out of stuff just to go to the gym and workout and plan their days around going to the gym. It's just odd - but then comes gym talk, guys talk about other guys bodies like "yeah do you work out your biceps? yeah I can see you have definition. I need to work on my abs like they aren't quite how I want them..." :/ the fuck are you looking so closely at another dude for? Why don't you just reach out and squeeze his shoulder and swoon all like "omg they are so hard!" Just stop talking about each other bodies so much - it's weird. And another thing - why are mens health magazines out selling lads mags? When did boobs, cars and bullshit become less important that fitness. Get a grip lads.13) Overly defined hair of the face
Guys have three looks - I shaved, I didn't shave, I need to shave. Bare faced, stubbly, overdue shave. That is it really, although if you are cool enough certain moustaches are totally awesome but other wise yeah thats it - so why is it now that guys have this perfectly sculpted facial hair like 'I didn't shave but I have a precise line along my jaw and it's perfectly trimmed to all the same length - cuz I'm so worth every penny I spent on a man touching my face - yeah!' We see you bitches - don't think we don't know. It's like the non-acceptable version of the sculpted bedhead look.14) Ac
cessorizingMan bag and... no thats it. No murse or whatever it's fucking called, no bracelets - unless it's festival bands and tags, no necklaces, just none of that shit. You don't need these tings to pull an outfit together, because as I have mentioned before you don't fucking wear outfits, you fucking wear clothes.15) Straws
No. Do you like having something long and thin in your mouth? Girls use straws to as not to ruin their lipstick and such, it is also a very good flirting tool. One straw is bad enough but two is like what? Would you like an umbrella with that and a little mixer too? And that weird search with your tongue to find the straw is only cute if you're a chick, if you're going to do it at least just put the straw in your mouth,please? No one wants to see how you go down on your missus.
16) Dudes that put kisses at the end of stuff
NO KISSES unless you are talking to a chick and a chick only - like your girlfriend, friends that are girls. It's just uncomfortable for everyone involved.I listen to such shit music don't I? Ugh don't judge me, I'm a sucker for a song I can sing along too.
Anyways,
Love,
Monica
xxx
