At first I was really taken back because if you know me you know I am very much a people pleasures. It literally gives me super case of anxiety and/or panic attack when I know that I have let someone down. I am trying to get better at controlling, and it's not as bad as I am describing it. If a person in my life that I truly care about has their feelings hurt at something I did in which I didn't mean to really affects me. I know that I shouldn't care too much about what people think about me but I do.
So I really took this to heart because I really wasn't trying to be selfish. I had just moved to Iowa and was looking for a job. This was my priority. I wasn't hanging out with anyone except family because I was on interviews or applying for jobs. I tried (and failed several times) about explaining it. Then after some thought I was like I'm not being selfish. I am doing what I can for me and my family.
Now I think it's kinda funny that I'm the selfish one when this said friend is now too busy to hang out with me. I still don't get why it's alright for them to be bad mouthing me all week about being a bad friend, but now they aren't the one making time. I'm not going to let it get to me but more so I'm over the double standard.
For so long I have been trying to do things to win over people. Or trying to do what I think they expect from me. I'm sick of doing it because in the end it has led me to feel like crap for the several years and I am done with it. I am going to do me and want makes me truly happy. I want to have the joy in my life that this is what am I suppose to do.
I am sure that it is going to make some people mad because I am finally using my voice, and not following what they want. I know relationships are going to end because they don't understand it. I'm finally at peace with that which is what took the longest part to deal with.
