Today is just going to be a random post for me to catch up with my own life!
You ever felt the same way? As though you’re lagging behind yourself and looking at your life roll past you, leaving you behind, and things unfold and you can’t put a stop to them, all you could do was move in slow-mo, hands stretched out screaming soundlessly at the top of your lungs, trying to catch up and pull your own figure back to where you are before it spirals off?
Wow, that was kind of a type-full.
Right now, life is as always, uneventful. I’m trying to sort out some priorities and goals in life, then again, life is always full of uncertainties and it becomes a hassle to maneuver around your plans and all to get to the finishing point without stumbling over. Lately i’ve been feeling myself stumbling over my own two feet more than usual and i guess, it’s quite bad. i don’t really want to move forward faster than my legs can carry me, but as we all know, time stops for no one, and it becomes me running after time itself.
There are so many things i want to do, and so many things have happened that have made things not so easy for me, and sometimes, you’ve just got to be selfish in life. When you make a decision to do something, stopping for others to catch up can be a huge sacrifice, but non-the-less the decision whether to stop or not is for you to make.
In these recent years, i’ve let people make many decisions for me, because i was afraid to make the wrong choice. i was afraid to regret and afraid to move on. Even now, i must say i am still that same’o me who is dependent on others. I’m losing my spirit, my strife. It’s definitely not good, and i’m constantly thinking in my head, how i should move on from here, where i am stagnant. Looking at my options, everything looks drastic. And with drastic decisions, you make impact on others, and they’d be shell-shocked and disappointed and upset and depressed, and blah blah blah. you get the drift. i hate disappointing people. that’s a fact. and i can’t stomach down the feeling i get when i know i’ve made someone disappointed in me, even though all i did was do something that wasn’t part of THEIR own plan. Nothing to do with me and my feelings.
If there is something i’ve learnt in this puny 25 years of my existence in this world, it’s that i hate to be dictated. i hate it. i hate it to the core, yet when you add in disappointment, i just go all jell-o and cave in. that’s me. And i have this uncanny six sense that allows me to sense what other people’s motives are. i don’t ask to know. i just do. they will say something, or do something. And by some chance through the body language or maybe just by me knowing the person well, i can tell if that person means well for me or not. and that pisses me off, especially when i KNOW everything is for that person’s selfish desires. Sucks, but truth.
i realize i’m rambling already, and if you are actually reading this, you probably got lost half way up there! i don’t like to go into specifics when i write about myself, but i just dabble on feelings and emotions and analogies. i don’t know what’s making moody, but i guess it’s that end of year thing. when you look back the past 330 over days and wonder what the hell you’ve been doing and where your time was spent on.\
i’d stop here… for now! i’d definitely be re-visiting as i get closer to the end of year and look back again to recount on the things i’ve done this year!
till then, i’d better be working hard for my band’s, Absolute Zero, performance at BluJazz this weekend!!!! Something to look forward to!!!!!!!!!!!! i’d really appreciate it if you give our Facebook Page a “LIKE” or you can FOLLOW our Twitter account here.
Lastly, a huge huge huge huge thanks to all of you reading and keeping tabs with me and my hell of a uneventful life. To all those who’ve commented, liked, followed my blog, you guys are awesome! And to those who have contacted me via the various means of email, twitter etc, thank you! i really enjoy talking with you guys! keep those stuffs coming!!! they always make my day!
xoxo
Rin
