My Dhada (Grandfather) passed away on the 8th, it was my little brother's birthday on the 12th and Dhada was buried on the 13th.
I obviously went down south to attend the funeral. I stayed a few days few my Maa and the little'uns... I have never lost a person to death... so this was my first. But idk it was the other things that came with losing him that I didn't expect. Things like seeing my Maa and Chachu (Uncle) - the two people who are always strong, my Maa is like my best friend, sister and everything else in between and my Chachu is essentially my Dad. When I want my dad - I want my Chachu; to see them so broken was devastating, seeing my siblings not really understand what was going on and wondering what they were feeling, usually we are so in sync - I couldn't figure out if it was just that I was so upset or if that I just didn't understand them because I was too old, leaving my husband alone and being away from him for the first time since we had got married and seeing a non-living being.
You know, they say that you never forget that last sight of their face- it's true. It's been a few weeks but even now my Dhada's face comes into my mind and I can't help the tears that come. It must be so hard for the people around grievers - you can't feel that loss so how are you meant to empathise, if you have lost a loved one you can sympathise but you don't know what that person meant to them. Idk...
i have sort of shut down a little. I only want to talk to my really close friends and even then I'm not really sure of what to say. I'm pretty clingy at the moment - atleast I think I am.
It's so odd because my last post was on the day he died. I wrote that in the morning and in the evening my Maa called me and told me. I cried for him that morning when I first tried to write that post. I missed him so much... Weird.
My Dhada used to say funny thing to me all the time. I remember when I was younger I was really insecure about my looks (I'm the ugly duckling of my family) and he used to try so hard to assure me I was beautiful - "You have a face like Priyanka Chopra..." was one of the things that stick out, mainly because she was the 2000 Miss. World :/ Good try, much. Thats what a grandfather is for, right? To show you what men can be - how they should be before you find your prince charming. To love you. To give you advice. To be there for you. A little grand daughter will always live inside of me.
Losing my Dhada has done a few good things though. He always loved a hard lesson - you never got anything easy... unless you were a super cute, amazing, beautiful little grand daughter. It has taught me that life is short. weirdly, it has brought me and my Maa a lot closer. I really want to be a good person now. Like more than ever. The last few months have really taught me the meaning of what I claim are my core beliefs- I didn't really know what they meant all these years.. They were just words I liked the sound of I s
uppose.My Maa is the Angel I saw when I was little. My siblings are mine to love and protect. My husband is... well, him and I love him so much and I have to show him everyday why he loves me back, that he can trust me and that I have grown.
Forgive the ones who have hurt you. Don't hate, just sit back and let Karma do it's thing. Try to be as happy as you can. Be a child for as long as possible because you only have a short amount of time to be so, but you have the rest of your life to be an adult. Cherish, protect and love the ones who belong to you - not just from the world but from yourself too.
Idk... This was probably my most morbid post and I'm not sure when I will post again but it will be soon.
Love,
Monica
xxx
