At 6 am, my mother and I left our Amarillo hotel room in the same clothes we wore (and slept in) the day before. You can judge us, but we decided not to bother with bringing in our suitcase because the longer we stayed outside, the more opportunity some backwoods hillbilly had to murder us. Sorry, if you’re from Amarillo, and maybe it’s actually a lovely place to grow up, but all I’ve seen is one of your hookers, 3 of your Marriots, a Japanese steak house that looked suspiciously like a strip club, and the worst Whataburger I’ve ever been to.
One of my top three favorite foods is Whataburger’s honey butter chicken biscuit with extra honey butter. It’s been a few years since I’ve had one, and I looked forward to getting to Amarillo, solely for this treat (because what else is there to look forward to in Amarillo besides the relief of sweet death?) and it was such a disappointment. My chicken was dry and I’ll be DAMNED if that was extra honey butter. I give a rating of C- for the Whataburger on I 40 East, in case you were thinking of making a trip.
Then there was driving. Then there was Vegas. Thanks to a $20 bill slipped to the front desk lady at Caesar’s Palace, we were upgraded to a suite, which helped me develop my new definition of success: having a TV in the bathroom.
Then, I experienced my ideal Friday night, which is watching true crime shows on HLN, snuggled in high thread count sheets.
On Day 6:
Happy hour hopping with my mom.
We made a stop at the Palm’s Steakhouse. For a classy joint with some bomb-ass sliders, they have a pretty tacky decor situation. This covers their walls:
I imagine that people must pay to get their picture done and put on the wall, and I had to take a picture of this corner because it’s the saddest little corner in the universe. They must be some of the loneliest people in the world. Sure, Steve and Heather Kaplan have each other, but I bet they feel alone even when they share a bed, but I’d bet they haven’t slept in the same room in years. Have any of these people met their fathers? Has Sammy Wong ever felt the touch of a woman he didn’t pay for? Is Flash Man still alive or did he succumb to his opiate addiction years ago? I guess I’ll never know, but may God bless and keep these beautiful, lost souls.
Meanwhile…
Barbra Jo Batterman, my inspiration and role model, is having the time of her life! She is single and thriving!
In the casino, we stumbled upon Shania Twain’s costume for her “That Don’t Impress Me Much” video, and at that moment, life could only be more perfect if a living, breathing Connie Britton was in that outfit.
We saw “Peepshow” with Coco T, which marks the second time I’ve seen “Peepshow” (with Holly Madison), so my self esteem should be a lot lower than it is. All I’ll say about Coco is boobs, and also she is a national treasure and a delightful dancer/entertainer.
FINALLY, FINALLY:
Day 7:
We drove the last 4 hour leg to LA to my apartment…. excuse me, TOWNHOUSE, yes, TOWNHOUSE, which idk if you know, means that our bedrooms are UPSTAIRS, and we have a lemon tree next to our front door so we are living The California Dream. Basically, I’m living the California Dreams theme song music. *Surf dudes with attitudes.*
PS Big thanks to the best mom in the world, SUGALYN, for going on this trip and spending 16 hours a day in a car with me, and footing the bill. And dad for also footing the bill, and fitting all my stuff into a corolla.
