To the Daughter I Will Never Have

I used to day dream of you, before I had your brother and then for a while after I miscarried. I’d talk about all the ways you would be. I even had names picked for you- Amber Jasmine Thalukdher and your nickname would be “Mango”. I would imagine your big, dark, sclera freckled eyes framed with thick curly lashes just like your dads, your cute little dimples to match your brother, you would have my long black hair and a big smile that takes over your face just like mine does. Your pudgy hands like mine but small and pudgy- short palm but long fingers unlike your brother. You’d have your dad’s nose and milky skin tone. You’d have his laugh but my voice. You’d be so much more than both of us but you’d still be us. I would imagine you playing with your brother, bullying your dad and having him wrapped around your little finger because if he can’t say no to me there’s no way he could ever say no to you. I could see you copying me and trying to parent your big brother when you two were playing - a little big sister. Protective and gentle all at once. You’d love to sing but even though you’d sound like your dad we would always encourage you. When you’d get asked what your favorite color was you’d always say “rainbow” because you’re just too indecisive and you don’t want to hurt the other colours feelings. Arms ever raised in need of hugs and picking up, you’d constantly want kisses and tickles. You’d be a spring baby, a few weeks early just like your brother eager to meet the world and your pregnancy would be easier but birth just the same. Just like I did with your brother, I’d breathe “I love you” and marvel at you. I want to tell you that even though I have always been so scared of having you (for so many reasons) I have always wanted you. Even now after having lost you, lost the chance to have you and soon I will never even be able to try for you, I love you and you are wanted. I just can’t have you. I’ve always been scared you’d be too like me... the world really doesn’t need another me. But also I didn’t want you to suffer like I had just for being the way you are. I didn’t want the laundry list hereditary mental health issues, infertility and medical problems that seem to be handed down like bangles from each mother to their daughter to be something I unwillingly gift to you. Most of all I was scared of ruining you... I know it sounds stupid but I’ve never really felt like a daughter or comfortable in being girl. I know I am both of these things but they’re always things I’ve struggled with, I didn’t know how to lead by example for you when I couldn’t even practice it for myself. How could I teach you how to live in this world as a person but also as a girl in a world that has done almost nothing but punish me for it and repeatedly reaffirmed that the way I want to be a girl isn’t good enough. I just didn’t know how I was ever doing to keep you safe if you were going to be just like me, how would I be able to look into your eyes and see myself but not know how to stop the devastation that’s to come? Even though I’ve never held you or rocked you to sleep, I love you so much. I wish I could have sung you the same song every night from the night you were born, I wish I could have nursed you and held your tiny hand in the middle of the night while everyone else slept. There’s are so many things I wish we could have done together but I’m so sorry that we can’t. I always said I would never put my family in danger of losing me after the last time I tried to commit suicide and I intend to keep that promise. With your brother the fact I was even pregnant was already a win and while it was touch and go sometimes and the doctors all had their concerns he was always surprising us and he is a little miracle... but that’s the thing, miracles don’t happen often. You know I’m not a greedy person, asking the universe to perform another miracle isn’t fair. I already lost you once I don’t think I could cope losing you again. I can’t risk leaving your daddy and brother alone for a chance that I might get you. I’ve watched people go through the heartache of losing a child over and over in the pursuit of another child, those women are far stronger than me. I’ve watched them mourn babies while holding their rainbow baby, I have had to mourn too many people since I was a little girl, darling. I can’t add anymore to my list. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough or woman enough. I’m sorry my body is so weak. I’m just sorry for it all. I’m sorry I’m not a mother enough to have you. I’m sorry I’ll never get to be your mommy. I’m sorry I’ll never get to do any of the things you deserve. I’m sorry you’ll never get the things you deserve. I wish it were not true but if I’m fully honest with myself and with you - I’m not sorry for not having you or trying for you and I know that sounds so terrible but as a parent some times we have to make hard and seemingly impossible choices. I can’t potentially leave your daddy alone with your brother and maybe even you. It’s not fair on any of you. Your brother and Daddy need me too much for me to risk my life and in all likelihood- lose it. My body cannot take it. My mind cannot take the process of it all, this is one of the few times that I have to be so selfish and put my life totally above yours. I have to protect what I have here and now with that life. I do not regret making this decision, I mourn for a life not lived and hurt because I have to make this choice. I hate myself for knowing it’s the right thing to do and doing it. Blissful ignorance in this would be appreciated but not useful. I try to think of all the things that are positive for you... you’ll never suffer. You’ll never cry. No one will ever hurt you, this is the only way I can fully protect you. I always say to your brother that I wish I could just keep him safe in my heart... but I can actually do that with you. I can keep you safe in my heart everyday. I will love you everyday. I will hold you in my heart and you will be present in every hug I give to your brother. You will share every kiss, squish and snuggle. You will lay with me, safe in my arms every night. Every birthday you will be with me. Every meal I make will be for you too. Every day out and new experience you will be with me. I promise to love and live with all that I hold for you because it’s what you deserve. My little girl. My mango. My baby.I love you from the top of your perfect little head to the tips of your tiny toes, my darling Amber. Mummy will always love you and keep you in her heart. Love,Monica