Do you ever receive news that shakes you to the core of your being? That happened to me a couple of times in the last few days.
First time it was positive. Very.
I was actually being called upon to do some pretty darn fantastic things because you, my readers, seem to love me and my musings.
The second piece of news wasn't so great. To say that I cried like a sissy is a nice way of fully admitting that I had a meltdown.
I cried. I yelled. I used language not befitting of a nice private-school educated woman.
I dealt with it in the way I know to to: I texted a friend, called two others. I let it out, then spent the day pretending everything was just peachy, because, Mother's Day.
After our return from our trek to Suburban hell, AKA Valencia, I planted myself in front of my trusted laptop.
Hubby knew not to say a thing. I had already told him I didn't want to talk about it.
I typed.
I typed every bit of my anger, hurt, but most surprising, disappointment into two emails.
My gut reaction was to save the emails to read them again when I was a bit more composed; then email them.
I'm glad I did. Save them.
Once I read them a second time over I realized that my feelings were masked by my intention to not hurt anyone.
Yes, you read that correctly. I didn't want to hurt anyone - even though I was the victim in this story (victim not entirely being the right term - but you get the gist of what I am trying to say).
I was, well, censoring myself.
I was hiding my feelings. I wrote with my head and left out my heart and soul.
Do you ever censor yourself to the point where what is coming out of your month sounds like, well, a victim?That was not my intention, but that's exactly my perception of me once I re-read my emails.
It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone either - but most importantly - I missed my goal to simply get my point across.
I know I'm right - but sometimes being right isn't the same was winning.
Sometimes winning is the biggest loss you will have.
I'm at a crossroads.
The letters remain on my desktop.
