We cut our wedding cake to the lyrics of one of our favorite songs:
"But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing,
And there is no combination of words I could say,
But I will still tell you one thing:
We're better together." - Jack Johnson
There, I said it.
That big, fat secret that most self-help and looking-for-love-books tell you is absolutely wrong: Men do -indeed- change.
But here's a disclaimer: for the right person, during the right situation and at their own time...oh, and you (as in the woman in this scenario) has to make a few shifts as well.
My apologies to the impatient gals. I get it that some of you jumped ship before you could see a transformation with your (former) beau...
But eventually we learn.
I know, I know - I've only been married for (close to) three years, but considering that most second marriages (today) don't last more than ten years, I'm already at the home stretch.
Add to that my lovely (said with a slight strain in my voice) step kids and the drama that comes along with marrying a divorced man, relatives and friends by marriage, and the normal marriage stuff...I could have, at any time, -actually before I even got married-, do what most women today do: give myself the "I-am-better-off-alone-and-hide-in-my-velvet-lined-box..."
But I didn't.
Here I am, after a knock-out, knock-down, almost didn't make it fight (or weeks of verbal battles with no end in sight)...to say with utmost confidence what my mama told me a while back: "A woman makes the man."
Before you start judging this statement, let me give you a bit of insight:
My parents were married for more than 35 years before my dads sudden death. Their marriage had ups and downs, but more ups and a lot of love. By all intents and purposes, their marriage was idyllic and something to be proud of.
I was tired of fighting, and my hubby was also worn out. No self-help guru, relationship expert, marriage advice book said it as well as my mom did.
"Your husband is only as good as you are a woman," my mom added.
With my moms wise words stuck in my head, I made the concerted effort to put my foot down, push where I needed to push my husband, and encourage him to be at his best. I also had to quickly do away with the female needs (AKA I read one too many romance novels) that no man could ever live-up to...certainly not a real man.
Not for me, but for us...Because we love one another and we love being together (not always one of the same).
That meant being away from folks that affected our marriage in a negative way - so they are now at arms length (because I can't always live in a bubble).
That meant that I did a little more around the house because that (somehow) got my hubby inspired to do something nice for me - So I now finish work early to do something domestic.
That meant that I really put away my cell phone and stop blogging for a few days. (Notice my blog break)
That meant taking a step back and reminding myself: "He's a man, not a woman with a penis...He will say things and do things differently than me."
That meant looking at me first and stop pretending that all these self-help guru's had more insight than my family...and a family, at that, that was real, loving, and has a long history of happy and healthy marriages...
At the end of the day, it's my marriage....I have the power to shift my actions to encourage my hubby to change for us.
No self-help book can teach you that...but your family can show you what the key to any successful marriage is: Be unapologetic about your love and fight -every day, for the rest of your married life- to do what is right for the both of you.
To love,
